If swords could talk
by NotQuiteBerserk
Summary: Ever wondered what Excalibur thought of its situation? I know that sword can't think or feel or see... but you know what I mean. Some swearing
1. Chapter 1

**Something kicked this idea into my head when I was trying to get some sleep, why can't ideas ever seem to wait till the holidays? **

**Disclaimer: nope still don't own Merlin. Damn. **

**I think it helps if you read this in a sarcastic voice.**

I wouldn't mind if I was somewhere interesting. But no. I end up stuck in a rock in the middle of a forest that no one in their right mind has heard of where the most interesting thing that happens is a squirrel trying to nibble at my carvings.

Well it all started a few years ago, I was normal back then. No fancy engravings or frankly _itchy_ magic spell all I had to worry about was a dent or two and then this boy comes along, skinny little twerp, and waves me in the face of a bloody great big dragon. Don't remember much after that but it hurt _a lot._

Had a good gig for a while after that saw some _real _action. I don't mean you're run of the mill being waved about to scare off a couple of half-starved looters, I mean a proper fight with blood and everything. Ended a bit oddly though – never seen the other guy explode before.

So I was all excited about being the king's new favourite toy when that skinny twerp comes back, and he only goes and lobs me in a bloody lake doesn't he? I swear that boy has no respect.

Well at the time I thought the lake was dull but at least I could watch the fish and stuff. I was a bit worried about rust but that dragon must've really done a number on me 'cause I didn't even get discoloured. Anyway I was down there for frankly ages I was starting to wonder if they'd all forgotten about me, I mean I've got a pretty decent edge you know you don't just go around leaving your best sword at the bottom of a bleeding lake you know. Well unless your thin with black hair, big ears and frankly too much magic for your own good apparently.

So where was I? Oh yeah. Fish. Well that carried on for ages (have I said that already?) and then then girl, pretty little thing, dunno how she ended up there, maybe that boy threw _her _in as well, anyway, she holds me aloft any you'll never guess who she goes and gives me to, I'll give you a hint. He was tall, with dark hair and big ears. Yep it was that twerp back again.

I suppose I can't really complain, well I can actually at great length, but at least things got interesting after that. I even killed a couple of un-dead things (can you kill an un-dead thing?) and knocked over a cup, why do you need a sword to knock over a cup? Surely a slight push and you can let gravity do the rest. And then you'll never believe me, that boy, who seems to be quite happy to use me when it's convenient for him, he only goes and sticks me in this bloody rock. I mean why? What exactly was the point (no pun intended) he goes to all the trouble to make me and then he sticks me in a rock where no one will ever find me. I mean I haven't even seen a peasant in six months. And I am bored

Bored.

BORED!

**Well at least that got most of the randomness out of my head for a while, I'll see you when it builds up again.**

**Review? Anyone?**


	2. Chapter 2

**So you liked the first chapter enough to read the next then? I know I marked it as 'complete' but I really wanted to continue. And I got half of the ideas (at least) from **_**PoisoningPidgeonsinthePark**_** so this chapter is now dedicated to you.**

**Wow my first multi chapter (eye openers doesn't count), how exciting!**

**A note to**_** PoisoningPidgeonsinthePark: **_**sorry I couldn't make a direct quote fit but hope you like it anyway**

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><p>So, I was just getting used to being bored when this bloke finds me, now at the time I thought it was great, finally someone would pull me out of this damn rock but no. I suppose it's not like he didn't try, he spent a good half an hour looking utterly ridiculous before falling rather comically on his rear. But judging by the fact that I've still got this <em>lovely<em> granite sheath I don't think it went so well.

_Any_way that first bloke must've told his mates about me 'cos next thing I know every man and his dog is trying to yank me loose. I suppose the possibility of a free sword can be very tempting, especially one as good as me (I've got gold filigree and everything). But they must all've been on the wimpy side of normal apparently seeing as _none_ of them managed to pull me free, I mean, if that skinny little twerp could shove me in here surely it can't be that hard to pull me out?

Well after a couple of days that died down, they must have found something better to do. So I went back to counting the various fauna that inhabits this Gods forsaken place (I've got 300 squirrels, 23 deer and 5 badgers so far). Well you have to alleviate the tedium somehow.

The next week these druids turn up. Weird lot them. Stood in a circle all round me then chanted some mumbo-jumbo and left, I don't think it did much, they didn't even stop it raining the next day, I'll tell you I got _absolutely_ soaked.

Not long after those useless chanting-robes-on-legs went, all manner of folks start turning up, it got almost as tedious as having no one know about me at all. It would seem that the twerp has stuck me here for good. I swear, some people just can't show gratitude when it owed.

There was one particular bandit, he had arms like two twigs, I remember thinking that there was no way through hell or high water that he was going to pull me out, I mean he had the upper body strength of a mouse, and a small one at that. There was this guy before that could wrap his hands twice around our muscularly challenged friend who gave it up as a bad job, there was no was this bandit was going to get me out of this bloody rock.

It wasn't long after that that knights started showing up, sneaking round like a sword stuck _absolutely _still in a rock was something highly dangerous. Well I _say_ sneaking, it's very hard to look inconspicuous when you're wearing bright red cloaks. Someone in the wardrobe department must really be a few sandwiches short of a picnic if they think reds a good colour for hide and seek. Honestly!

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><p>Hang on look sharp (no pun intended)… (Alright maybe pun intended) that skinny little twerp's back, remember? The idiot that threw me in a lake? And oh look he's brought a friend. How nice. Doesn't this blond imbecile know that no one has<em> any<em> hope of using me as anything other than a rather fetching ornament?

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><p><strong>This was harder to write because I'm not just following what happens in the episodes. I promise this will be the last update (unless something interesting happens to the sword in the 4<strong>**th**** series). I'm sorry if this seemed a little rambling but it can't be helped.**

**Easter eggs to reviewers!**


	3. Chapter 3

**So… something interesting happened to Excalibur in series 4… therefore a continuation is in order :-)  
>(It's probably going to be short…. Oh and SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES 4 FANALIE)<strong>

Ok, I admit that I may have been _slightly _wrong about that blond guy's ability to pull me from the rock, _but_ I couldn't have known that the skinny twerp would cheat could I?

Maybe I should explain, it turns out that this 'King Arthur' guy can't hold on to his kingdom for more than two seconds straight and seems to suffer from terrible self-doubt all the time. So the twerp (does he have a name? I think Twerp suits him quite well) anyway, Twerp goes and makes him pull me out of this damned rock as an ego boost apparently. Is that all I am, a device for raising moral? I have things to do as well you know? Like cutting stuff… and stuff… Anyway! I have a very busy schedule and if these humans think they can just sawn about and use me whenever they feel like it… It's only because I permit them to use me…. Just because they have arms…

So King Arthur cheated, it's amazing really how people don't notice when Twerp's doing magic. I don't even have eyes and I can see more than the average knight (who still seems to think that red is a good colour to hide in, I'm starting to think that brain damage is a requirement to becoming a citizen of Camelot). Personally I would rather be on the side of that witch; at least she has the decency of including me in her dreams Merlin – sorry, Twerp – hadn't given me a second thought since he shoved me in that Gods forsaken rock. Well until he needed me of course.

Well I got to do some _real_ fighting again after that, at least _Arthur_ appreciates the craftsmanship that went into my design, and he keeps me out of the rain, you know I think I might be able to look forward to being used as an actual sword in future and not just an ornament to decorate the forest of Esatir.

**The End (for real this time)**

**If I have regular followers they might have noticed that I've posted a lot less in the last couple of months than usual, this is because that I started Uni in October and I've not had a lot of time, also I'm trying to wean myself off FanFiction and so am therefore only reading the stories that I'm already following (sad isn't it) **

**P.S. has anyone seen the Sherlock series 2 clips? OMG I cannot wait xD**

**P.P.S. Saw the new Sherlock Holmes film as well recently, I may never be able to watch QI again**

**P.P.P.S Merry Christmas Everyone**


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